We now take a break in the imminent destruction of the earth to celebrate pretty people wearing pretty clothes getting awards for having done pretty things at the Golden Globes. So brave. So. Brave.
Let’s just pour another glass of wine or crack open a new beer. I’m going zip up my Old Navy hoodie and judge some people! I’m on a New Year’s Ryan Seacrest cleanse so I am checking out NBC, and it’s my favorite kind of disaster.
The Golden Globes Red Carpet pre-show was banal as usual, notable exceptions were Jenna Bush-Hagar petting everyone she interviewed as if she was rolling. Baby Bush provided several of the red carpets best? worst? moments. On a shallow note, I totally dug her hair and dress. Whoever styled her did well, and I wish they would have helped a few others out. Nicole Kidman? I am looking at you, and so is everyone else. Ms. Kidman of the world’s smoothest forehead was dressed like Moulin Rouge 2- Miss Kitty’s Gunsmoke Revenge, Baby Bush asked Kidman’s husband Keith Urban, while batting her eyes at him “do you have final say on what she wears?” This Question was brought to you by the letters I and M, for Ingrained Misogyny. However, looking at Nic’s gown for the evening, perhaps Keith should be asked to weigh in.
Baby Bush also introduced to us, one the of the repeated low points of the evening. When she congratulated Pharrell, in his faboo Mr. Peanut ensemble on his nomination for Hidden Fences.
"you're nominated for Hidden Fences" pic.twitter.com/7My6dtEkbG
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) January 9, 2017
White People. We are the worst. Two amazing movies starring black people? MY BRAIN CAN’T HANDLE IT! TOO COMPLEX! Though to be fair, I bet she can’t keep Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling straight. Canada, stop sending us cute blond Ryans! (Scratch that, reverse it. More cute blond Ryans, we beg of you.)
Jenna was the first to make this gaff, but not the last.
Denzel's face when he heard about "hidden fences" pic.twitter.com/6xC0lxseIa
— BuzzFeed (@BuzzFeed) January 9, 2017
After Al, Natalie, and Jenna perform the weirdest Law & Order walk and pose ever, we finally get to roll the opening video. It’s reassuring there were only three of them, add Matt and I’m questioning if they’re the Four Horsemen and the Apocalypse is nigh.
Finally! The show begins! Meh opening except for two major things: Eleven (Millie Bobbie Brown) raps and BARB IS ALIVE!!! Also, she can synchro swim!
Jimmy Fallon takes the stage and immediate tragedy, you guys, the teleprompter doesn’t work. But he overcomes. So brave. So. Brave.
Emma Stone looking like a Goddess gave the first award to someone I’ve barely heard of for a movie I’ve barely heard of. But whatever. My Netflix queue is basically kid’s shows, Black Mirror and Hart of Dixie. So I am uber current.
Atlanta wins for best TV comedy musical or comedy and later Donald Glover, wearing a tux he most certainly stole from my 8th grade show choir wins for acting. Atlanta seemed to fly under the radar but it is really worth seeking out. It’s great. (I feel a little better about confessing my Netflix line up to you now)
Quick question, are we entirely sure that Annette Benning isn’t a cyborg? If, per chance Westworld tech were real, she would be the first one I would suspect. Actually, that technology is much more natural than Annette.
MERYL. FUCKING. STREEP.
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) January 9, 2017
All in all it was a pleasant show, not too mean, not rolling in the aisles, but cute. Not too mean spirted. And y’all? Brad and Billy Bob be getting their drink on at the after party for sure and damn I’d like to listen in on that convo.
Highlights: Tracee Ellis Ross winning for Blackish, Steve Carrell and Kristen Wiig’s hilarious heartbreaking comedy bit, Meryl –just Meryl – and Emma Stone winning for LaLa Land and proving once again why she should really be America’s Sweetheart. I mean JLaw can suck it. Stone is the real deal.
Lows: Mel Gibson (although his reaction to Meryl’s speech was, well, expected) how awful do you have to be to be irredeemable to Hollywood? I guess we will be kept in suspense Sugar Tits, the bar keeps getting lowered. And constantly combining two of the best movies of the year, Hidden Figures and Fences. Hidden Fences. Listen. Guys. Hidden Figures. Fences. Two different movies. Come one now.
Two things are certain; if you wear a toupee on the west coast you are out of luck my friends, last night’s deep cut dresses and perky breasts set both new (ahem) lows and highs. those babies were taped ten ways to Sunday and nary a roll of toupee tape can be found west of the Rockies today.
And Chris Rock was right. All those people won for People V. OJ Simpson and no one thanked OJ.
You can read the entire list of 2017 Golden Globe winners here.