Donald Trump’s presidential run has been one of the biggest coups for comedians and comediennes across the globe, and while we don’t claim to be comedians, we thought we’d pile on and cash in on the attention he’s grabbing. It’s shameless, but whatever, that’s what we do.
Have a scroll through
our favorite the worst things The Donald has ever said. Fair warning, some of it might be borderline NSFW.
1. “One of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace, good people don’t go into government.”
We just had to start off with this one. Does anyone else see the irony here regarding his candidacy?
2. “That’s one of the nice things. I mean, part of the beauty of me is that I’m very rich. So if I need $600 million, I can put $600 million myself. That’s a huge advantage. I must tell you, that’s a huge advantage over the other candidates.”
So, the candidacy really is for sale?
3. “I’m a bit of a P. T. Barnum. I make stars out of everyone.”
Or he makes a clown out of himself. Same thing.
4. “All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”
Heck, we’re men and we would flirt with him. Rawr.
5. “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.”
It would be so much better if they just brought us tequila and churros.
6. “We have a 5 billion dollar website. I have so many websites … I hire people. They do a website. It costs me three dollars.”
Yeah, well we set up MensTrait.com for $2. Yippee ki-yay, mother*****.
7. “I will build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me —and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”
Somewhere in Mexico a group of bureaucrats is laughing their cojones off.
8. “I watch the speeches of these people, and they say the sun will rise, the moon will set, all sorts of wonderful things will happen, and people are saying, ‘What is going on? I just want a job.'”
There is something ironic about a man promising jobs to people when he’s most famous for eliminating them.
9. “I don’t need anybody’s money. I’m using my own money. I’m not using the lobbyists. I’m not using donors. I don’t care. I’m really rich.”
And this is what will endear him to the American people.
10. “Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog and will do it again, just watch. He can do much better!”
Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again–just watch. He can do much better!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 17, 2012
Sage relationship advice from the man who has had three different wives.
11. “No more massive injections. Tiny children are not horses — one vaccine at a time, over time.”
No more massive injections. Tiny children are not horses—one vaccine at a time, over time. — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 3, 2014
And we had just bought saddles for them.
12. “An ‘extremely credible source’ has called my office and told me that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a fraud.”
An ‘extremely credible source’ has called my office and told me that @BarackObama‘s birth certificate is a fraud.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 6, 2012
This has more weight because he incorrectly used quotation marks.
13. “I will build the best wall, the biggest, the strongest, not penetrable, they won’t be crawling over it, like giving it a little jump and they’re over the wall. It costs us trillions.”
Rumor has it that the wall is going to look a little like this.
14. “I do know what to do and I would know how to bring ISIS to the table or, beyond that, defeat ISIS very quickly. And I’m not gonna tell you what it is tonight.”
That’s like the life coach saying s/he can solve all your problems, but only after you pay $300/hour for a consultation.
15. “According to Bill O’Reilly, 80% of all the shootings in New York City are blacks — if you add Hispanics, that figure goes to 98%, 1% white.”
And According to Bill O’Reilly he’s a war hero.
16. “Who’s doing the raping? Somebody’s doing the raping?”
The Mexicans are doing the raping? Weren’t you listening to yourself?
17. “We have nobody in Washington that sits back and said, you’re not going to raise that f****** price.”
This was in response to rising oil prices. For somebody who is supposedly incredibly smart, he seems to have very little insight into how commodities markets work… Or he’s pandering to the uneducated dolts in the world who support his candidacy. n’t let him use the land. That’s what we should be doing. I don’t want to use the word ‘screwed,’ but I screwed him. That’s what we should be doing.”
At least he admits to being a dishonest opportunist. This type of foreign policy is just what the U.S. needs always.
18. “I have a great relationship with the blacks. I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks.”
He obviously has friends whose last name is Black. Sheesh, people, it isn’t a race thing.
19. “Laziness is a trait in blacks.”
Oh, maybe it is a race thing.
20. “Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are little short guys that wear yarmulkes every day.”
Yeah, it is definitely a race thing.
21. “What a convenient mistake: @BarackObama issued a statement for Kwanza (sic) but failed to issue one for Christmas.”
Because he was too busy praying to Allah. Just to note, the President did issue several statements about Christmas, and Donald has since deleted this tweet.
22. “Rosie is crude, rude, obnoxious and dumb – other than I like her very much!”
Rosie is crude, rude, obnoxious and dumb – other than that I like her very much! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 11, 2014
We aren’t going to argue with him about Rosie O’Donnell, but isn’t this kind of the pot calling the kettle black?
23. “Our great African American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore!”
Our great African American President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on the thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 28, 2015
Seriously, just shut up at this point. That’s like holding Jimmy Carter accountable for all the crap white people did while he was in the Oval Office.
24. “.@Deadspin guys are total losers—they had their story stolen right from under their bad complexions—other media capitalized!”
@realDonaldTrump Go fuck yourself.
— Deadspin (@Deadspin) January 17, 2013
.@Deadspin guys are total losers—they had their story stolen right from under their bad complexions—other media capitalized! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 18, 2013
If you missed this little spat, it came when Donald Trump sarcastically trolled Deadspin writers one day, earning a less-than-nice response from Deadspin involving the four letter f-word. Is this what Trump diplomacy would look like?
25. “Dummy Bill Maher did an advertisement for the failing New York Times where the picture of him is very sad-he looks pathetic, bloated & gone!”
Dummy Bill Maher did an advertisement for the failing New York Times where the picture of him is very sad-he looks pathetic, bloated & gone! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 24, 2014
Has anyone else noticed Donald’s affinity for the exclamation mark? He loves them!
26. “I will be releasing the full interview with a guy named Baxter @antbaxter only to show the bias and stupidity of him and @BBCWorld. Clowns!”
I will be releasing the full interview with a guy named Baxter @antbaxter only to show the bias and stupidity of him and @BBCWorld. Clowns!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 29, 2014
Because we’re taking this far too literally, the BBC is one of the most respected media entities in the world and Trump ought to remember that.
27. “And I’ll have Mexico pay for the wall. Because Mexico is screwing us so badly. I will take it from out of just a small fraction of the money they’ve been screwing us for over the last number of years.”
Fun fact, the United States currently owes Mexico more than twice what they owe us.
28. “.@ariannahuff is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man- he made a good decision.”
.@ariannahuff is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man- he made a good decision. — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 28, 2012
Again, does he think he looks any better?
29. “If I were running ‘The View,’ I’d fire Rosie [O’Donnell]. I mean, I’d look her right in that fat, ugly face of hers, I’d say, “Rosie, you’re fired.”
We wonder what he’d say the first time Angela Merkel disagreed with him.
30. “They had no definitive proof against Tom Brady or #patriots. If Hillary doesn’t have to produce Emails, why should Tom? Very unfair!”
They had no definitive proof against Tom Brady or #patriots. If Hillary doesn’t have to produce Emails, why should Tom? Very unfair!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 11, 2015
Right? The NFL was far too lenient on Hillary.
31. “While @BetteMidler is an extremely unattractive woman, I refuse to say that because I always insist on being politically correct.”
While @BetteMidler is an extremely unattractive woman, I refuse to say that because I always insist on being politically correct. — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 28, 2012
Donald, you can say what you want about a lot of people, but leave Bette Midler out of this.
32. “Grab them by the pussy.”
Fuck yeah, America. This is your president. You can read the full lead-up to the locker room talk below. It makes me feel all warm and cozy, like getting peed on by Russian prostitutes.
- “I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there. And she was married.”
- “I did try and fuck her. She was married.”
- “Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.”
- “Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”
Cheers, America. You deserve this.