Now, don’t get me wrong – I love The Walking Dead. There’s something just undeniably awesome about a well-crafted zombie fantasy. It’s morbidly fascinating and frequently exciting – and Oh. So. Gruesome! And The Walking Dead is pretty awesome. And, particularly in the earlier seasons, there was so much gory, nasty, nail-biting zombie action, you just couldn’t look away. But, there’s a few things that just don’t make sense. Stuff that, if The Walking Dead suddenly became a reality (and who’s to say it’s impossible?) – would automatically result in death, and make totally ridiculous decisions.
1. How is it That SO Many People Get Bitten?
Yes, when the outbreak first occurs, you can understand that large numbers of people would fall victim to the undead, because they don’t get what’s happening. But after so many years, how are so many people still letting themselves get bit? I mean, yes, if you find yourself stuck in the middle of one of the dreaded herds, sure, you can be excused for the inevitable bite-fest. But come on – if there’s only one or two, you’ve got to be fairly dumb if you get caught. The Walkers are soooo slllloooow. How can you not out-run them, or briskly out-walk them? And I’m still not sure how they sneak up on people – they make some serious groaning, feet dragging, gurgling, teeth gnashing noises. How can you be taken by surprise? Particularly if you’ve been living in this “new world” for so long. Surely those special undead noises would immediately freak you out and get you moving. So, if there is a zombie outbreak in the real world – if you get bit, you’re stupid. Unless you’re surrounded by a horde. In that case, you’re just unlucky.
2. Preparedness. Or Lack Thereof.
Yep, as much as we love Daryl, Rick, Glen, Carol and the rest of the posse, one of the things we find a little hard to believe is their lack of preparedness. Picture this: You’re in a world overrun with zombies and some pretty nasty dudes who all want to kill you. You know that if a herd shuffles along or the bad dudes turn up armed with weapons, you’re toast. But you decide not to worry about that stuff. You assume that those two things won’t happen. You don’t bother to establish a rendezvous point. No escape plan. No bugout bags. No essential supplies stashed at strategic points. Nope. You’re just gonna kick back and relax. And when the SHTF, everything goes to hell, half your comrades die, and you’re all separated. It just makes no sense. Given the world they find themselves in, and the fact that they’ve even managed to survive that long, you’d expect them to show some degree of common sense and survival skills. If it were you, wouldn’t you be prepared for any eventuality?
3. Education.
Keeping the kids as innocent as possible is a charming notion – and one guaranteed to result in their deaths. Why on Earth wouldn’t you teach them basic survival skills? Teach them how to kill a zombie if they get cornered. How to escape and hide. Light a fire. Feed themselves if they must. Just get them ready. How many children and adults have to die before someone realises the need for basic survival and combat training? Oh wait, someone did. Carol. And Rick kicked her out. Good plan!
4. Would You Follow the Haunted Lunatic?
Yeah, we’re talking about Rick. Sure, he starts off as The Man With The Plan. A natural leader. But every one of his plans goes awry. And still the group follow him like sheep. And, it’s been said that the very definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Therefore, he’s clearly as mad as a box of frogs. Not to mention the episodes where he was being haunted by his dead wife. And there the rest of the gang are – still docilely following his lead – even though he leads them to death and destruction at every turn. Lunacy! Can you see yourself doing that? Would you follow some random nutjob who’s only qualification is a badge, and who is consistently whiny, judgemental, and really not too clever? And who, essentially, has no real survival skills? Not me – I’d be all “Move over, asshole!” And what about Michonne? How can she be fucking the guy who tried to hand her over for rape, torture and worse in exchange for the safety of the group? Nu-uh. If a council-type governance didn’t work out and we had to pick a leader, we’d go for Daryl – or a Daryl/Carol combo. Plus, we love Carol’s terrifying psycho side. Those guys are ruthless, smart, and the two who act as fighters and providers for the group. But Rick? No way!
5. What About Food?
Obviously you need to get to a safe place. Somewhere that offers shelter from the elements and protection against zombies and marauding looters. Yes. But once you’re there and the perimeter is secure, surely the sensible thing to do would be to start growing food? Yes, we saw them try briefly in the prison – but only after they’d been there for weeks and weeks and were suddenly getting hungry. And what about Alexandria? It’s a pre-planned community. They’ve got water. They’ve got power. They’ve got a wall. But nobody thought about growing enough food to feed the town? Come on. It’s really not rocket science. Surely people don’t think that they are going to survive for eternity on a limitless supply of canned goods?
Like I said, I’m a fan of The Walking Dead, and I never miss an episode – but it has issues. Not just those listed above – but a whole bunch. For instance – Rick agrees to assassinate Neagan’s people to establish closer ties with the Hilltop community. Who, incidentally, are sensible enough to have livestock, crops, and all kinds of useful stuff. But, as someone who not only has survived the zombie apocalypse, and all the groups of gun-toting thugs etc – but who also has law enforcement training – don’t you think he’d insist on doing a little recon, rather than just rushing in to kill a handful of people and assuming that’s all there was? And that leads us to the soft skull dilemma. Sure, you could dismiss the soft-skulled zombies based on the fact that once you get zombified, your skull gets softer (if you gloss over the fact that it appears to happen the second you die). But why do Neagan’s men have skulls as soft as the zombies? And Carl. Oh horrid, freak show Carl. How is that kid still alive?!? He even got shot in the head … and survived! With nobody other than a nervous med student to treat him. I think most of us have been waiting with baited breath for that obnoxious, psycho kid to die since the first season. I bet Mike Scollins isn’t too happy – he’s been campaigning for Carl’s death for ages! Oh Walking Dead – we love ya, but all we really learn from you is what not to do in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Hmm. Perhaps that’s the whole point?
