Hi. I’m Rickon Stark. You may remember me from such Song of Ice and Fire books as One and Two, and their respective television adaptations. I was the youngest of the Stark children – Jon, Robb, Sansa, Arya, Tony, Bran, and me. Remember me? Rickon Stark. Haaaaave you met my wolf, Shaggydog? Well, I can’t blame you if you have no idea who I am. Three seasons ago, Bran left me with Osha and House Umber to protect me from the plot of Seasons 4 and 5. In the books, this actually happened in the second volume – which was EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO. Thanks, George. Like the rest of the world, I’ve kept abreast of my hapless family’s misadventures through the wonders of illegally torrenting the HBO show based on the series while waiting for the next book to come out. Now, with Season 6 under way while the odds of my literary exile ending fall in inverse proportion to the numbers on GRRM’s scale, I thought it time to rejoin the world and see what whacky hijinks the denizens of Game of Thrones universe will get themselves into next.
But first, here’s what happened last, on Game of Thrones: Tyrion encountered Daenerys / Daenerys reencountered the Dothraki / Jon, Stannis, Myrcella, and Meryn Trent died / Dorne was terrible / Arya went blind / seriously, what the hell, Dorne? / we met Ser Robert Strong, who is totally NOT Zombie Gregor ‘The Mountain’ Clegane / Theon and Sansa launched an escape from Ramsay, who will totally NOT track them down and gut them one gut at a time, or make them gut each other / and Ser Jorah simultaneously contracted GRAYDS and the worst case of being whipped since Geordi Laforge in that one time traveling episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Well, I think that just about covers it. You know, I complain about House Umber a lot, but, at least I’m alive. Presumably. Somewhere. Right, George? Right?
Now, on with the show!
It’s clear from the opening scene that everyone has one thing on their mind, so let’s get it out of the way first: my bastard half-brother Jon Snow is alive! Just kidding. He is actually dead. Wait! No, still dead. And ye- nope. But at least he died doing what he does best – staring blankly ahead with his mouth agape. Even as a young child, I remember the muted whisperings of servants wondering whether his bastard conception had manifested as an unsightly physical defect. Ser Davos, efficient as ever, wastes no time wiping that stupid expression off of his face. Seeing it hurts him as much as it always did me. Many of you will know that the internet been filled with nerd theories about Jon’s would-be death since it first happened in the books five years ago (welcome to the future, show watchers). Prominent among these is the idea that upon his ‘death,’ Jon would warg permanently into Ghost. For Ghost’s sake, I hope this theory proves wrong.
While Davos and Jon’s fiercest supporters lock themselves in a room with a corpse and a killer wolf to prepare for the worst, the worst more or less happens as Ser Allistair gets up in front of the angry Nightwatch mob and in true Trump fashion announces that yeah, sure he’s a traitor, and not only that, he’s the best traitor, and if you could be him, you’d be a traitor too, so forget that loser Jon Snow, join him and we’re going to make the Night’s Watch great again!
We pick up the adventures of Sansa Stark-Lannister-Bolton and Theon Greyjoy up to their asses in snow, on the run from Ramsay having killed his sadomasochistic sex partner and absconded with the bipedal womb bag he needs to produce him an heir. Look, I’ll be honest. My emotional attachment to this story is low. I was small the last time I saw either of these people, and all I recall is that Sansa was annoying and Theon tried to kill me, so you’ll excuse me if I was a little excited when Bolton’s men captured them and began joking about the certain impending reduction of Theon’s remaining extremities. Alas, true to established form, Brienne of Tarth arrives out of god damn nowhere to thoroughly ruin everything, managing to accidentally kill all of the soldiers despite her stunning ineptitude (this woman beat the Hound?) and Podrick’s apparent lack of skill with any thrusting weapon not sheathed inside his pants. Brienne has found Sansa. Finally, A Feast for Crows has a point.
Leaving the totally reliable quartet of a psychologically-traumatized eunuch, a psychologically traumatized-noblewoman, a psychologically-traumatized warrior princess, and a man-boy who is more penis than man-boy behind, we travel south to King’s Landing. There, we find Jaime Lannister brooding alone in a room, until news of a boat from Dorne sends him running outside to greet said boat, which is carrying…himself? Standing on the boat and looking back at…himself? Who is looking at himsel…wait, is that CERSEI? OH MY GOD. And they did…with each other? Oh that is just extra gross! I didn’t catch the rest of that scene because I was too busy throwing up but I assume it went something like, “Hey, it’s like looking into a mirror” – “Yes, it sure is, want to have sex?” – “Yeah, totally. With myself.”
Okay, does anyone know why Bernie Sanders is holding Margaery captive?
Travelling futher south to Dorne, which, let me remind you, is terrible, we are treated to a reminder of how terrible it is. The scene opens with Prince Bashir and Oberyn’s daughters and ex-mistresses sharing a laugh about how great a guy he is when, in downright Shakespearean fashion, a messenger arrives bearing the bad news that Myrcella is dead. Their secret now out, the Snakes spring into action, delivering an instantly fatal blow to the seven foot tall Areo Hotah with a tiny dagger to an apparently arbitrary part of his back. Bashir and his somewhat idiot son soon follow, leaving the femmes fatales to oversee a future of peace and prosperity for the Dornish people. Or continue a pattern of impulsive stupidity that’s likely to destroy them. One of the two.
Meanwhile…across the Narrow Sea….
Tyrion and Varys return to Mereen. Why. I haven’t been in the show for three years and even I know that the first rule of Mereen is that you do not go to Mereen. Mereen may actually be worse than Dorne. Five minutes in Mereen, and Tyrion is reduced to making a eunuch joke to about Varys, manages to come off as a baby eater, and witnesses her majesty’s royal fleet go up in flames. Mereen. Who needs it.
Not Ser Jorah and Daario, that’s for sure. They are just two completely platonic bros enjoying a pleasant horseback ride through the hills and exchanging idle banter while searching for their missing queen, probably wishing she went missing earlier so they could have gotten the hell out of Mereen last month. “Hey Jorah, how do you cope with being friendzoned hard enough to leave a bruise?” – “By reminding myself of how terribly I could break your pelvis with my pelvis if I were ever given reason.” – “:-O”
Speaking of their queen, if memory serves, we last left Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons contorted and naked on a mountain, a crude parody of her dragons, spewing forth great, hot, coruscating geysers of fec- what do you mean, “not in the show?” Are you kidding me? That was an iconic scene. The culmination of years of careful plot progression, profound character development, a deliberate build-up of tension…and it’s not even in the show? What part of a naked queen defecating on a mountain did HBO feel would not appeal to their target audience? It seems like the only way this scenario could appeal any more would be if she were defecating on The Mountain. Anyway, regardless of where she was last, where Daenerys is now is on the way to join a senior community at Vaes Dothrak. Drogon in 3…2…
Finally, we return to Castle Black, and…Jon Snow is alive! Just kidding. He’s still dead. And his friends are still locked in a room defending his corpse, which Ser Allistair wants in order to fulfill several promises he made to Jon back in Season 1 that would have proved difficult while my brother was still alive. But Davos and Co. have one last trick up their sleeve – the Red Woman. Cut to Red Woman, sitting despondent on her bed in the basement. She looks up to see light shining through the window onto her mirror. Surely, a sign! Striding to it, she begins to disrobe. Ah, yes. We’ve seen this song and dance before. Get naked and do some magic. Bring that goofy bastard half brother of mine back to life. And off comes the necklace and – WHAT IN THE HELL –Melissandre is apparently Gollum.
I think that’s going to be a wrap. See you all next week!
