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Chipotle Keeps Poisoning People

This burrito could kill you
This burrito could kill you

For some reason, people keep eating at Chipotle, even though they keep giving people various disgusting illnesses like e. coli, salmonella, and norovirus.

Just when they thought it was safe to start selling their knock-off faux Mexican food again to people who are easily impressed by literature on bags and cups and nicely-done animated Fiona Apple covers, a store in Massachusetts has closed because at least two employees started puking and shitting all over themselves.

A Chipotle spokesperson sent an email:

“After learning that four of our employees were not feeling well, our restaurant in Billerica, Mass., was closed for a full sanitization. We do not know know if the employees are ill with norovirus, and no customer illnesses are connected to this restaurant. Any employees who reported feeling ill will be tested and held out of the restaurant until they fully recover.”

Well that’s a relief, I guess. But come on, if closing every single Chipotle location in the United States for a half-day to review safety preparations hasn’t stopped them from making people spray bodily fluids out of the mouth and the anus, why should we trust them when they say they’re going to stop poisoning people?

Maybe instead of trying to give people “an analog pause in a digital world,” they should try to not give people locally-sourced diarrhea. Instead of “provoking introspection or inspiration, and maybe a little laughter,” they should try not provoking sustainably-raised projectile vomiting.

Actually, the thought of Chipotle continuing to poison their customers does provoke a little laughter.

And here’s a video from the CDC on norovirus, which should just be renamed chipotlevirus at this point.

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