Look, this was a pretty easy call. There really aren’t any runners up.
Last week it would have been Camille Paglia, whose deconstruction of Hillary’s campaign slogan, “I’m with Her” would get sent back for revision if a freshman literary theory student submitted it, and whose conspiracy theories regarding Hillary’s high collars (punchline: she’s hiding a secret goiter or some kind of tumor on her esophagus) are so insane that if you can get through the article without wanting to stab yourself in the eyeballs with knitting needles, well, you’re a tougher person that I am. But I was on vacation last week, so she skated.
I thought about maybe Bernie Sanders, who is continuing to run his campaign even though his rallies are down to the low 20,000s. But honestly, Bernie is too curmudgeonly and honest and principled to be a douchebag. “Bernie Sanders” and “douchebag” are words that you just wouldn’t hear in the same sentence. Well, except for the one you just read. Or, like, “Bernie Sanders gave a great speech about the damage that all of these Wall Street Douchebags have done to this economy.” So no he probably will never win this award.
Then I thought, “Oh, what about Donald Trump?” Trump is like the textbook definition of a douchebag: oily, gross fake tan; stupid hair that looks even worse with popped collars; and he treats women poorly. But let’s be real, he could win every week from now through the end of the election, and that would be boring AF. For Donald Trump to win this honor he’d have to do something outrageous even for him, like, I don’t know, buy George Zimmerman’s gun and then use it to fulfill his campaign promise to go out on 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and not lose any voters.
That would be incredible, Don, and if you do that, then next Friday you can be our Douchebag of the Week.
But this week it could only be one person, someone from whom America–nay, the Universe–could have gone the rest of its life without hearing.
Without further ado, your Men’s Trait Douchebag of the Week.
George Zimmerman
God this guy is the absolute worst. We all know about how he stalked an unarmed teenager named Trayvon Martin, against advice of the police, and then “stood his ground” when the significantly smaller boy tried to defend himself. He shot Martin, dead, and was acquitted because Florida’s gun laws were written by Yosemite Sam.
Here’s a short, non-exhaustive list of the awesome things Zimmerman has done in addition to shooting and killing an unarmed child.
- He’s been accused of Duggaring his cousin
- He was arrested for punching his father in-law in the face,
- tweeted out a naked picture of his ex-girlfriend and accused her of cuckolding him with a “dirty Muslim”
- He pointed a gun at his former fiancé
Now, as you may have heard, he is attempting to sell the gun he used when he shot Trayvon Martin in the chest, to the highest bidder. Originally placed on GunBroker.com, they took it down, saying, “We want no part in the listing on our web site or in any of the publicity it is receiving.”
So, George Zimmerman, Captain of the Neighborhood watch, moved his auction to United Gun Group, who at one point yesterday said they wouldn’t continue the auction, but as of right this minute, it’s still available. The Current bid is $65,039,000.00.
The bidders include some obvious trolls like Tamir Rice and Racist McShootface, but there are undoubtedly some real, actual douchebag bidders on this item. I mean, a real, live douchebag bought his painting of an American Flag with a the Pledge of Allegiance written on it for $100,099.99, and I’m sure he sold at least a couple of these Confederate Flag paintings too.
So here’s to you, George Zimmerman, racist murderer, wife beater, fiancé assaulter, cousin molester, cuckold. You’re Men’s Trait‘s inaugural Douchebag of the Week. Wear that title with pride.
