Some guys complain about how women lie to them. No, not with their words, but their with their faces and bodies – specifically using stuff like makeup, push-up bras, and shape wear to create a vision of a woman who never existed. What’s up with that?
Dear reader, I will tell you what’s up with that.
Makeup
Women say all kinds of things about makeup, that it makes them feel confident, that it’s fun, that they’ll get fired from their job without it. Makeup isn’t about tricking men into sleeping with them!
All a bunch of fig leaves, dear reader, enough to make a veritable fig tree.
No, when a woman says, “I just need to put on my face,” she means that literally. After menarche, a woman’s face starts shedding like a snake’s skin, usually about once a month. The sloughing off process is pretty grisly, and doesn’t happen evenly. If you see a woman who looks like she isn’t wearing makeup, I guarantee she is. Why else would there be these “natural look” tutorials?
Men who feel cheated when they see a woman without makeup have every right to feel that way. They thought women had faces, and that simply isn’t the case.
Push-up Bras
False advertising! Your boobs don’t normally hover like well-filled helium balloons about your neck! And indeed, that is true. Well spotted.
First of all, the less attention our molting faces get the better. Boobs don’t slough off with the changing of the moon phase and are a reliable distraction: the bigger the better. That so many men like the semi-flammable décolletage look is wonderfully helpful, and yes, some women use push-up bras to look super hot. But mainly, women use push-up bras because of witches.
When all boobs look the same, it’s harder to pick the witches out of the crowd. Witches have the common boobular characteristics such as wrinkled, pendulous teats, third nipples, and the ability to cool beers with their frosty tatas alone. You need some serious padding and engineering to hide witch boobs, hence the use of push-up bras.
Because all women know each other and we talked about this, we’ve agreed to disguise the true nature of all boobs, in public at least, in exchange for witchy favors during each seasonal solstice.
Shape Wear
Of course, women have something to say about shape wear. They say it enhances the fit of clothes, that it makes them confident, that they enjoy the feeling of a day-long, bone-crushing hug. Because this sounds plausible, you believed it, and you, dear reader, were duped.
The compacting of womanly jiggles into a stretchy tube may enhance a woman’s looks, but that’s just a happy side effect. See, those super-tight undergarments restrict organs, and that’s the whole idea. It turns out that wandering womb thing is real, and it’s a total mood killer at red carpet events, bat mitzvahs, weddings, etc. I’m free to have a hysterical fit on my own time, but it’s bad manners to completely lose my shit because my womb took itself for a walk around my abdominal cavity during someone else’s special day.
By mashing their organs together like subway commuters during rush hour, women can keep their restless wombs in place for the evening and enjoy being outside the house like rational human beings.
High Heels
Women cite all kinds of reasons as to why they wear high heels: the additional height adds a sense of power; their legs and butts look all firm and sexy and stuff; it makes them unfairly taller than their dates, and so on.
There is a long and rich history of men and women wearing high heels for hundreds of years and why they did it. You can even watch a sassy documentary about it:
If you are tricked by how tall a woman is because of her obviously stilt-like shoes and are aghast that she is shorter than you thought, I cannot help you. Not even if I call in my winter solstice witch favor.
