One of our readers, Cross from the Bay Point Department of Carnival Safety, sent along this item from Pennsylvania, “Man allegedly breaks into barn, has sex with miniature horse“:
A Pennsylvania man was arrested after police say he admitted he illegally entered a barn so he could have sex with an animal.
Travis L. Wagner, 21, of Reinholds, is charged with a felony count of burglary and a misdemeanor count of sexual intercourse with an animal.
This raises a lot of questions, the first of which is, why did he want to fuck a horse? Secondly, why a miniature horse? Is that just how he rolls? Or was the miniature horse the only horse available? Was he scared a regular horse would kick the shit out of him as he snuck up behind it, and not only would his balls be blue but his goddam chest would be caved in?
But I think hands down the worst thing about this article is the click hole it sent me down. Right there on the left we have “Related Coverage.” Let’s see what we get:
Man arrested after trying to have sex with a van: “Police arrested a man Tuesday night in Ohio after a witness said they saw him trying to have sex with a parked van.” Did he bust off on the vehicle and now you’ve got Siemens van? I don’t know how they do things in Ohio, but in my day you drove around in the van in order round up things for your degenerate sex parties. Millenials, amirite?
Woman accused of having sex with dog: “A South Carolina woman has been arrested after deputies received videos of her performing sexual acts with a dachshund.” My favorite part about this story is that she was charged with “buggery.” All because she went about getting the wrong kind of weiner. And no not that kind of weiner, either. She wanted her weinder dog’s weiner. Also, maybe don’t send videos of you getting it on with a weiner dog to a dude. Did you think that would get him hot? Like, damn, she’s going to town on that weiner dog’s weiner I wonder what she could do to my weiner?
Man charged with having sex with a goat: “A Georgia man is facing bestiality charges after he was caught having sex with a goat, according to deputy officials.” My father in-law has an expression for when things aren’t going his way. You’ll say, how’s it going, Pop, and he’ll say, “Oh, shit John. I’m all fucked up like Hogan’s Goat.” And even though it doesn’t roll off the tongue the way “Hogan’s Goat” does, perhaps we should change it to “Wadsworth’s Goat.” The article doesn’t say if he shot his Wadsworth in the goat, or if he was caught in the act.
Please consider this a plea from all of us at Men’s Trait:
Stop doing weird sex shit with animals and/or inanimate objects. It’s gross. And maybe lay off the Meth or the Flakka or whatever it is you’re smoking.
Also Shoutout to Florida Man for not making this list. Nice work.
