If you’re me, which is pretty unlikely, then you have a crazy uncle. Maybe you are like me, and you have a crazy uncle like mine. Well as we both know, our crazy uncles have a bunker, 3 hidden gun caches, and always carry a survival kit on them. I do not endorse this nuclear apocalypse fearing attitude. However, perhaps there is something we can learn from our crazy uncles. When it comes to nuclear war, natural disasters, and the equally devastating release of Dark Souls 3, maybe being prepared is wise. To that end, as we get ever closer to the April 12th release of Dark Souls 3, put that time to use by gathering together an all important survival kit to help you survive this most recent batch of digital pain and self-loathing brought to you by FromSoft. Here is what you’ll need in your survival kit to be prepared for Dark Souls 3.
2 Boxes of Tissues
The Dark Souls 3 is filled with emotional highs and lows, if not exactly an even distribution of the two. There is never shame in being . . . “emotionally affected” when the boss is only 2 hits from dying and you get greedy, forgetting your strategy and rushing in for the kill, only to be met with a “You Died“. It takes a real man/woman to beat Dark Souls, and a real man/woman knows when to cry. Let those emotions out, and then try again. (An alternative use of the tissues is for tears of joy and/or impromptu confetti after defeating a boss.)
3 Replacement Controllers
Time for a true story, the first Dark Souls is the only game to make me actually break a controller, and no it wasn’t Ornstein and Smough. On my 17th of the eventual 26 attempts it took me to defeat The Four Kings, I unsurprisingly died and in my rage gripped my controller in such a twisting, shaking death grip that I snapped it open. To prepare for such incidents, have a few replacement controllers on hand.
1 Childhood Stuffed Animal
For years I slept with a stuffed dog (named Rover) who protected me from the dark and its monsters. As you progress through the emotional gauntlet that is Dark Souls 3, you will find yourself sharing much in common with your younger self. I have already gone through my mother’s attic and brought out Rover just in case he needs to protect me from the dark and its monsters in Dark Souls 3, just like he did when I was 5. This level of emotional support is necessary if you ever hope to complete a Souls game.
1 Gallon of Water
This one should be obvious, but people get thirsty. And sometimes you just don’t have the time to get up and go get a drink. As we all know, there is no pause button in Dark Souls, so be prepared with good amount of hydration at hand.
3+ Bottles of Alcoholic Beverage of Choice
Jack Daniels Old No. 7 is my personal pick. The important thing to remember here is moderation. Have a glass to celebrate defeating a boss, reaching a bonfire, or just running through an especially scary area. The point is to keep up morale and take the edge off. If you are planning to drink yourself into a stupor before venturing into the hellish gameplay of Dark Souls . . . well good luck to ya.
1 Handheld Mirror
A very special and important inclusion in every Dark Souls 3 survival kit, a convenient handheld mirror.There is no better tool in the world for when you, in your masochistic misery, hang your head in despair and shame at a particularly embarrassing or painful death. You begin to hate yourself. How could you make such a dumb mistake!? Idiot! To help you enhance these moments of utter self-loathing, pull out your trusty handheld mirror and stare into the eyes of the real reason you can’t get past that level. (An alternative reason to use the Shame Mirror is if you have caved in and decided to look up a guide to make it past a boss. Good job. You did it. Cheater. Go get the Shame Mirror.)
2 Packet of Throat Lozenges
No game has made me scream, yell, and act like a petulant child as much as Dark Souls. And while other might wish you had added a muzzle to your Dark Souls 3 survival kit, this kit is not for them. It’s for you. And what you are going to need after all that yelling at your screen is a throat lozenge. It’s no fun playing with a sore throat, and you already have enough misery to look forwarded to just playing the game. My personal recommendation is to get some cherry flavor lozenges as they are obviously the best.
1 Motivational Poster
The motivational poster can be substituted for a motivational book or song, but either way it is important to have some source of inspiration close at hand. Playing Dark Souls is about managing your resources (health, stamina, dodging, blocking, attacking, spell slots, estus flasks, etc.), and the resource that players neglect the most is their own delicate emotions. Frankly, Dark Souls is a giant emotional millstone. There is only so much abuse the human soul can withstand, so don’t forget to take the time to replenish your dwindling emotional fortitude with the help of a motivational poster or inspiring quote.
1 Watch
Preferably with an alarm. It is important to take a step back every few hours. Set your watch, and when it goes off, go find a bonfire and walk away from Dark Souls 3. I would never encourage you to actually go outside (who needs natural light, amiright?), but just giving your mind a chance to recuperate will do wonders for your skill in the game. A month ago, I rage quit my Bloodborne (the Souls series sexy younger cousin) New Game+ playthrough after failing to kill the Blood-Starved Beast 5 times in a row for no good reason. Two nights ago, I came back to it and beat the beast on my first attempt. Sometimes you just need to take a break.
