If you reside on planet Earth your ears have likely fallen victim to the profuse word vomit that continuously spews from Donald Trump’s ever flapping, dirty mouth—or Trumpisms as I like to call them.. No stranger to controversy, Trump’s outspoken antics have seated him amid the top of many political polls, thus solidifying the desperation of the GOP and flushing any shred of self-respect or dignity that America held onto down the toilet and filling it with copious amounts of shame.
Is this the best we’ve got? A barrel of monkeys led by a parody of a politician inflated with narcissism and high on hairspray? A man that basks in the dated rays of misogyny and sexism? A man that has fueled his celebrity by unapologetically and relentlessly objectifying the female form? Are we drunk, America?
While I can only hope that our country soon awakens from the hypnosis cast upon us by this silly caricature of a capitalist, I’ve got to at least give credit where credit is due—this guy is a total ass that reeks of spray tans and chauvinism, but his perpetual verbal diarrhea never ceases to amaze me.
I wish that the following Trumpisms were fiction but sadly these are words that have indeed been uttered by the political punchline that is Donald Trump.
- 1. “You know, it doesn’t really matter what the media writes as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass. Trump said this during an interview with Esquire in 1991. That’s right, boys and girls, if you work real hard there is a beautiful piece of ass waiting for you at the end of a rainbow.
- 2. “If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America?” There’s no doubt that this was his attempt to zing the Clintons on Twitter back in April of this year, but remarks like this are better reserved for keg parties and comedians, not presidential candidates.
- 3. “All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me—consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” Trump said in his book, ‘Trump: How To Get Rich’, in 2004. I’m assuming (okay, praying) that he meant to say “subconsciously,” because if he is under the impression that an unconscious woman was flirting with him someone needs to notify the authorities.
- 4. “They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.” Trump made his stance on immigration very clear during his presidential campaign announcement speech. Racist much?
- 5. “They send the bad ones over because they don’t want to pay for them, they don’t want to take care of them.” Trump said during the GOP debate in August of 2015, referring to immigrants coming to America from Mexico. It’s funny—I think many in the Republican Party would say the same about him.
- 6. “It’s certainly not groundbreaking news that the early victories by the women on The Apprentice were, to a very large extent, dependent on their sex appeal.” –‘How To Get Rich’, 2004. I’ve never seen The Apprentice, but I was under the assumption that it was a show based on finding entrepreneurs, not Playboy bunnies.
- 7. “26,000 unreported sexual assaults in the military–only 238 convictions. What did these geniuses expect when they put men and women together?–Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 7, 2013. Personally, I could think of a million different outcomes of intermingling men and women into confined spaces and/or government organizations, none of which involve sexual assault.
- 8. “I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” Trump said in an interview with The View in 2006. Because it’s totally normal to think your daughter is a ten, right?
- 9. “She starts asking me all of these ridiculous questions and you could see there was blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her wherever.” During an interview with CNN’s Don Lemon, Trump retaliated against Megyn Kelly’s accusations that he has referred to women as “fat pigs, dogs and slobs” by hinting that her interrogation was the result of a hormonal imbalance caused by menses. Because quoting direct facts and asking political buffoons questions regarding their very well documented history of sexism has got to be because Aunt Flow is in town, right?
- 10. ”Well, somebody’s doing the raping, Don! I mean somebody’s doing it! Who’s doing the raping?” When asked to provide evidence for his claim that Latinos were rapists on CNN’s The Situation Room, host, Don Lemon, combatted Trump’s ludicrous accusations with cold, hard facts, leaving us all to wonder: Is Bill Cosby an immigrant?
- 11.“Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog and will do it again–just watch. He can do much better.”–Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 17, 2012. While, yes, this was a seriously messed up situation, why is celebrity gossip even on Trump’s radar? Also, why was he so impassioned by it that he felt the need to let the world know? Is he that fervently team Edward? That’s only okay if you’re a 12 year old girl.
- 12.“They had no definitive proof against Tom Brady or #patriots. If Hillary doesn’t have to produce emails, why should Tom Brady? Very unfair!”–Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 11, 2015. I love football just as much as the next sports fanatic but comparing Deflate Gate to Benghazi is a far fetched rationalization for mudslinging. There’s no hiding the skeletons in Hillary’s closet, but let’s just leave Tom Brady out of this, okay?
- 13.“@ariannahuff is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man- he made a good decision.”–Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 28, 2012. Editor-in-chief and co-founder of ‘Huffington Post’, Arianna Huffington is yet another notch on the belt that attempts to keep Trump’s waist from burgeoning with sexism and bloating with egotism. Wow. Just…wow. Very few people have accomplished the discrimination of both homosexuals and women all within the confines of one Tweet. Someone please take the internet away from this man.
- 14.“Build a wall with a big, beautiful door for immigration.”–GOP debate, August 2015. This jewel inspired the #BigBeautifulDoor hashtag and also solidified Trump’s stance on immigration as borderline delusional, and also completely radical. In all likelihood there’s a doormat in front of this big beautiful door that says “Go home, ya filthy animals”.
- 15.“Look at that face! I mean, she’s a woman, and I’m not supposed to say bad things, but really, folks, come one. Are we serious?” Trump threw Republican candidate Carly Fiorina’s face (among other anatomy) under the bus during his time with writer Paul Solotaroff, while he was profiling Trump for a piece in Rolling Stone. This—given Trump’s own personal appearance—is one of the most oxymoronic phrases that I’ve had the pleasure of squeeming at.
Canada, anyone?
